Shame and Tolerance


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“Judgment” was a bad word when I was growing up. The phrase “don’t judge me” became popular to use as a defense when I was first fumbling my way through high school. When used seriously, its tone of rebuke sent the accused into a backpedaling frenzy. If someone was accused of judgment they would immediately start searching for a way to abandon the shackles they had just placed upon the ‘judged.’ A generation of peers would soon be emasculated into unintentional tact for fear of being accused of the unforgivable sin of casting judgment onto someone else.

When I was in 9th grade, I made what I thought was the astute prediction that the term for “the guy who sits behind a bench with a gavel” would be so out-of-vogue in five years so as to prompt an official re-titling of the entire position; we would have to re-nomenclate the title “Judge” because of its harsh, negative implications. We have yet to see that happen, but what is taking place is that so many are quick to hide the shame of their actions behind the “you’re judging me” defense when, in reality, the only thing on trial is their ego. Heaven forbid we “judge” another and crush their delicate pride.

Of course, now the word “judge” has fallen out of vogue in favor of the word “hate,” in phrases like, “why you gotta hate,” or “haters gonna hate,” with all of the same negative connotations. It’s the same idiom, just in Gen-Z-speak (thanks, Taylor Swift).

However, we’ve been given judgment, also called “discernment,” for a reason. We have been given the unique ability over all creatures across the earth to be able to determine whether something is right or wrong. We have been given the privilege of casting judgment. Certainly, I don’t mean whether someone is deserving of heaven or hell, for that is not for us to decide, but rather actions, speech, decisions or lifestyles, all of which have eternal ramifications. We are absolutely given authority by God to utilize discernment. But I know my audience; let me not make only a religious argument.

The emotion associated with judgment, or ‘hate’, is shame. Shame is what you’re supposed to feel when you do something wrong. On the contrary, it isn’t a word you hear too often anymore. Yes, because as we are taught evermore thoroughly to have a hashtag campaign and a Facebook group and a main-street parade for every mode of “self-expression,” shame has dwindled from the public lexicon. We don't use shame anymore. But there was a time when we did.

Shame used to make men embarrassed to receive government assistance. Shame was what kept a husband’s wandering eyes from engaging in infidelity. For better or for worse, it was also the reason why, for some, your father and mother didn’t get a divorce. It was why you didn’t have sex until you were married. Conversely, it was why you got married right after your girlfriend took that pregnancy test. In fact, shame was what kept men from being general sleaze-bags to women - it was what made you a pariah at school after word got around that you tried to force yourself onto Lindsay at your friend’s party. Shame simply works. (Christians, even the apostle Paul agrees).

It is my contention that shame is a positive social motivator; in fact, the best. Social stigmas are the best safeguard against abnormal behavior. When you act in a shameful way, in the back of your mind is always the realization that you could be cast out from your family or friend-group; that you could be laughed-at or hated. America was healthier when the stink of stigma was the barrier that kept us from accepting a government handout or leaving your baby-mama bereft. There was a stigma attached to acting like a victim. Social stigma is important, and shame is the hem of our social fabric.

But today those safeguards have vanished, and playing the victim has become popularized. We have some problems. The fear of shame starts with a culture that's cultivated in the home, but the problem is that we don’t have whole homes. We grow up in fatherless households and when we leave the nest we are taught to celebrate diversity (unfortunately, only of skin color) and deviancy. We are taught that tolerance is a virtue.

My least favorite word is “tolerance.” Anytime I hear it, I recoil in disdain as if someone just used the “n-word” with a hard-R at the end. Tolerance is the airbrush of disgraceful actions. “Tolerant” is what those in my high school demanded you be when they scolded not to judge.

Instead of a virtue, tolerance is merely the lowering of normal standards in order to accept any half-baked, lazy or indulgent behavior people are guilty of participating in. Tolerance erases the constructive stain of stigma. Being tolerant is like lowering a hurdle so low that even Nancy Pelosi could leap across it. When your parents say, “you shouldn’t do that,” tolerance reassures you, “you’re not wrong, they’re just heartless.” When conservatives say, “rap is harmful,” tolerance says, “don’t worry, they’re just racists.” Tolerance is apathy and atrophy.

When we show tolerance, we often inadvertently promote the actions in question, instead of merely practicing good-natured inclusivity. Often when we are compelled by media to show tolerance, it is an encoded threat meaning, “you’d better not only accept, but celebrate and promulgate this stuff, or else you’re a bigot.”

The words “inclusivity” and “exclusivity” are also favorites of the media in promoting certain ‘non-traditional’ lifestyles. They go hand-in-hand with “tolerance.” While inclusivity is helpful in kindergarten, exclusivity and discrimination (not as it is used with regard to race or gender) are what allows us to determine what will harm us and what will keep us safe; who to accept and who to stay away from; who to trust and who to fear.

We should be excluding some activities and actions. There are some things that are objectively wrong that we shouldn’t tolerate. Some things are simply intolerable. Some people are actually deplorable. We should exclude from our friend-group those who aren’t positive influences on our lives. We should exclude falsities and empty rhetoric.

Today, we have a deficiency in judgment and shame, and a surplus of tolerance and inclusivity. Judgment and shame are the Yin and Yang that govern our society; they are two sides of the same coin. Because (and only because) we live in a fallen society, shame is a useful and effective tool. Judgment is constructive when used gently. Don’t be afraid to exercise your God-given taste for right and wrong. Set it free. Call it out.